Ross and I had a big misunderstanding this weekend. We were both in Ottawa at the same time, he for a sledge hockey tournament and me to visit Catholic.

He thought I would want to see him since we were both in town at the same time and since I have been missing him so much. I thought he didn't really want to see me, because we had fought earlier that week and I felt like I was the only one doing the missing.

I have a deep-rooted feeling inside of me that always interprets other's behaviour and words in a way that tells me they don't want to spend time with me. Anything but enthusiasm tends to make me think that maybe they're just doing me a favour.

I wish I didn't have that kind of running dialogue in my head. I should work on changing that. I have a history in my childhood of "friends" blowing me off, finding excuses to get off the phone with me (Call waiting is a really rude invention but so convenient for allowing people you'd rather chat with to get through), making plans with others in the group while excluding me if I showed interest, putting me down in front of the group and so on.

I've had good friends since those people and inbetween them too, but while I hold myself in reasonably good regard and do not believe I deserved to be treated like dirt, I have a piece of very eroded self esteem contaminating the rest of me. It alters my perceptions of how much people I care about really care about me. Any hint of negativity or ambivilance starts me thinking that I'm not wanted.

And so, in this instance, I had taken several things from an argument and past discussions I had with Ross and determined he wanted a break from me, that he wanted to hang out with other people in Ottawa and I would have to wait until he got back. I felt bad and lonely about that and never once did I think that he was feeling sore thinking that *I* didn't want to see *him*.

Something that obvious didn't cross my mind because that was not the way I had perceived his feelings about me. So, there were some fairly cold e-mails from him this weekend and I picked up on it and was very upset. I thought A. he didn't want to see me this weekend and B. he didn't miss me either and C. something was very wrong and I didn't know what.

It was very stressful. I cried at Catholic's and felt awful. When I got home there was a letter from Ross in my doorway. He was upset in the letter and outlined exactly why but a wave of relief washed over me. He was upset because he thought *I* didn't care. I was upset because I thought *he* didn't care. We were both feeling sad and lonely and hurt because we misread each other and wanted to be together but didn't communicate that very well.

Knowing how bad I felt when I thought he didn't want to see me, I could easily see how my actions hurt him. I was able to see everything more clearly when I was able to read how he felt.

So, I've learned some things from this. One, I need people to be very clear with me. If I'm left to interpret ambiguous words or behaviour towards me, my perseptions are not reliable. I need to hear how people feel and what they're thinking, rather than just trying to decipher their actions.

Two, settting up secret test for those you love is not a good idea. I've been guilty of this before. I have thought things like, "If he does this, it means he loves/misses me/whatever. Let's see if he'll do it." Ross did that this weekend. "If she misses me, she'll call and ask to spend time with me while we're in Ottawa. I'll wait and see if she does that."

We really got to stop. It only makes us unhappy and bitter when things don't work out. It's so much easier to express what we want/need/hope and give the other person the information they need to make an informed choice. Had I known he did want to see me and he missed me, rather than the negative things I was thinking, I would have made plans with him in a second and I would have felt so happy.

You just never truly know what drives another person's decisions unless you talk to them about it.

The third thing I've learned is, well, it's hard to articulate but being young is hard. There is so much I don't know and so many things I haven't learned. Figuring out pretty much everything can be painful in the learning. And yet, thinking back on it, very worthwhile.

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