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| Baby of Mine 2001, October 20 - 12:01 a.m.
It's midnight, I can't sleep. I have so much on my mind. Like my period: is it going to come? I have been feeling a little nauseous these past couple days, my breasts have been sensitive... I'm on the pill but there is always that chance. No one probably wants to hear this but it's my diary. I had unprotected sex twice feeling protected by the pill. I have taken it for 3 years now and only these past 5 months have I been using them for actual birth control. Brent and I usually use two form of bc but this past month we were more careless. I'm scared. I'm nervous. Brent, I think has suspicions but doesn't want to scare me. I reassured him a week ago that I didn't think I was. There's no point in him worrying until I know for certain. He has tests coming up, he always has tests. If he had this on his mind he wouldn't be able to concentrate. If I am pregnant, what will I do? I'm catholic, that means no abortions...but what if I want one? Will I go to hell? I would want to talk to a priest. Technically I shouldn't even be having sex, but abortion is the greater sin... Could I have a baby? I would never keep it. I would give it up. Could I live with that? Would I want everyone I know to look at me and think less of me for letting such a thing happen? Someone very close to me had an abortion. I never knew until several months ago. I'm glad I didn't. I don't think less of her though, I couldn't. I understand. I wish I understood less. I want to pray. But what for? God doesn't take away life from a woman's uterus because she asks him to. I could pray for strength. I could pray for hope, I could pray for forgiveness. I could cry in my bed. I know that my father would be furious, my Aunt Debbie would be disappointed, mt grampie would be unimpressed. They all would say "thank god her mother isn't around to see this." But she is the one I think would really understand. For you see, she is the one who had the abortion. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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