So, I'm 'home' now. K-town, I mean. I have already had two fights with my dad. One because I didn't want to listen to him convincing me to buy a house. He would say that it isn't convincing and that I'm being ungrateful, but I have said no half a dozen times and he continues to press the issue. That sounds like he is trying to convince me. *sigh* The second issue being that he wanted to watch TV and I had 5 minutes left in the show I was watching. He insisted that we turn the channel. Now this made little sense to me. What would he watch for 5 minutes? Why would letting me sit in peace for five minutes affect him in any way? Especially when it was too late to find another show in progress? Besides that, isn't that a little rude? I mean, I wouldn't do that to anyone, it's discourteous. But then that's just me.

He wound up swearing, throwing my book across the room (losing my place) and shouting "you're not going to tell me what to do in my own home!" He really has some control issues. I really don't know how I'm going to live here during Christmas and after college is done for the year. Maybe I could rent a place for 4 months? Like sublet a place or something?... Not likely. Most places are for rent, plain and simple. One year minimum. geez... this place is a real downer, you know? Now that I know there is better out there, I really don't like this place. It's smokey (bad for the health), dirty, stifling and there is rarely any nutritious food to eat. There is always some sort of noise going on, the TV's are never free to watch, the cats are always shooed outside so they're no company. My dad actually expects me to clean while I'm here this week. I will clean up after myself, I think that much should be expected of everyone, but why should I clean a mess that these fools have accumulated over a stretch of time? It's not my responsibility. I shouldn't have to earn room and board for a measly week. They should be happy to have me visit. Like Brent's parents are with him.

I envy him so much sometimes. His parents are such... parents. They love him, they all get along pretty well, the house is never let to go to hell, they don't expect the world of him nor do they pressure him; they just want him to do well like any parents would. God, if I could trade my life somehow... But then, he never seems to have been able to learn how to deal with a big crisis. Little things will bother him forever. I forgive him that. I like being around someone with such a bright view of life. He's rare that way. He is the product of a loving, happy family.

I try. The second fight with my dad was resolved. How? Silliness. I told him he was being: rude, inconsiderate, discourteous, inhospitable, selfish, juvinile, immature, childish, stupid and oh yes, mean. The list was much longer. My dad just took it all in. I kept a calm low voice. I assured him that he had no call to speak to me in such a way. When I was done with my list he said "when you're done...when you're done...you know what I have to say to that?" and he took a bite of pizza. I was struck. It was absurd, the whole argument was absurd. I laughed, hard. I then walked over to him and kissed his forhead and cheeks. I gave him a hug and said "I love you." I played with his face trying to make him say I love you back. "Haha, I know you love me." I saw him restraining laughter. My mom used to do that to me to calm me down. Once someone is laughing, they can't be mad. It's impossible. Try it. So I didn't finish watching my show but I did go downstairs to go on the net, which wouldn't have been allowed to occur if I hadn't resolved the fight. I came out of that battle with some flags of victory anyway, and that's better then usual.

I told Brent that I think I may be pregnant. I couldn't keep it to myself, I just couldn't. He freaked out. I told him on the GO Train. His breathing went crazy and he was like "...oh no...oh no..." I told him, "If I am, I'll abort it, so don't worry." That ceased his fit. Will I abort it? I used to be so pro-life. I was 18 by the time I changed my views. I don't think it's morally right, persay, but then I don't feel as though it's mine or anyone else's perogative to tell a woman what she should do with her body and life. That choice is between her and God. I have weighed my thoughts... the sentimental me would like to keep the baby, the catholic me wants to give to a couple who can't have one on their own. Me, I myself see that I can't do this. I'm not ready. I can neither keep it or take it to term. I'm not ready for the complications of bringing forth life. I'm not so independent that I don't value my family's good opinion of me. I may not be pregnant. But I feel sure at times that I am. I prayed last night for the strength to handle this. I said that if I was pregnant, I would abort it and that I didn't want to. I don't. But it's what is best for me. I am too young to be responsible for another life, in or out of the womb.

God I hope I'm not pregnant. I'm not a bad person. I'm not a whore. I'm not stupid. I'm not a bad person. I'm not trailer trash. I'm not irresponsible. I'm not... But then what do people see when they see a young girl with child? Nothing good. I want to be absolved. I won't ever be so careless again.

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Thank You - 2006, June 7
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In and Out - 2006, May 28
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