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| A Dull Pain 2002, January 3 - 11:31 p.m.
I recently got home from seeing Ella and Annabelle. We went to Zings Noodlery. I love Zings, I love chopsticks, I love mudslides so combined with their company I had a lovely time. I was able to order a mudslide and once again not be ID'd. I look much younger than 19, I don't know why this keeps happening. I think perhaps because I look so young they must assume I would never even try unless I was actually of age. S'my theory. I talked to Ella about the controlling thing. We're fine. I'm fine. She didn't mean any harm. She just made an offhand comment without thinking that it may hurt me. It happens. I feel better now. We went out for coffee and cake at the Sleepless Goat and met up with this girl I know named Jessica. Ella is a good friend of hers. I wasn't too psyched to meet with her because we've locked horns in the past with schoolwork related things but on a personal level she is quite enjoyable. I found out quite early that she doesn't like Hos. I realize now that I know very few people who do. Ah well. So I got home and Brent called and apparently he has missed me these past couple days that he hasn't seen me. I feel so loved. He called to see if he could see me tomorrow ^_^ I have not made plans so of course I will. I'm going to try and fit Poppie into my day as well; I want to see him before I go back to school. My dad came in and was looking very depressed and I asked if he wanted to talk about it. He made a few cryptic remarks and essentially said no. Later this evening he said that he has a medical problem. I asked him about it and he wouldn't talk about it. I asked if it was serious and he said he didn't know and that Jamie and I just push him whenever he doesn't want to discuss things. How could he be so heartless? My mom died of cancer! I'm really scared of being orphaned. I am fully aware now that parents can die at any time. Mom told us straight-forwardly that she had cancer. She talked to us about it and made it a family problem that we would fight together. She didn't isolate us or alienate us. Dad turns everything into him. His medical problems affect him first out of anyone, but they will affect us too. For every action there is an equal reaction. He dies, we will suffer the consequences. His health affects us all, he doesn't just belong to himself, he belongs to Jamie and I to, to the family. He is our primary and only caregiver. We need to know if something is wrong! I'm scared. He won't tell me anything so of course I'm thinking the worst. It's like he's doing this on purpose. He's in pain so he spreads it around as hurtfully as possible. I have a dull pain in my stomach. He's a bad parent, but he's the only one I have. I don't want to be alone... Thank You - 2006, June 7
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