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| Control Freak 2002, January 2 - 8:35 p.m.
I saw Ella and Rock Star for a few hours today. We conversed, laughed and had several tense moments. *sigh* It wasn't as fun as I had originally hoped. Things slid downhill a bit when I was giving Rock Star a hard time and she called me argumentative. I didn't mean any harm. We all sat down and talked for awhile and Ella accidently put down college. I've been given a bit of grief over going to college instead of university by others and am becoming a little sensitive about it, but I was able to laugh it off, realizing that Ella did not mean to insult or offend. We went to Subway next and Rock Star got a sub. Ella and I sat down and she asked me if Brent got a back bone yet. She said I was controlling. That did offend me, but after a little while it just plain hurt my feelings. I also felt intruded upon. I mean, it is my relationship with him, we're both happy, our dynamics aren't for anyone else to understand. She made me feel as though I was a bad girlfriend or as though I didn't deserve him or something. It felt like I was being attacked. She claimed she wasn't attacking, and I know that once again she meant no harm but... I'll admit- I'm sensitive. We don't mix well with public, Brent and me. In private we're fine. We're affectionate, we're considerate, we listen to each other and laugh and make decisions together. I get offended easily by him but I get over it quickly and he knows that. Controlling... is that how my own friends see me? I don't control him. He does what he wants, he just usually does what he knows I would like him to do and that's his call to make. He loves me so he tries to please me. He's always been submissive to me, as long as I've known him, and that's before we went out. It's not like I've verbally abused him into it, which is what I felt like they were implying. I do things for him too. I bring him bagels in the morning if we haven't had breakfast, I've cleaned his room when he left, when it comes to sex, I'm more give and he's more take (Though I'm certain my friends wouldn't want to hear anything about that...) In short, I felt judged and I was really trying not to cry. They don't know half as much about my relationship with Brent as I do, obviously and they had no right to tell me I'm controlling. Ella told me to grow up. That hurt too. I was getting defensive, certainly but I have serious issues with people telling me there is something wrong with me. I'll take constructive criticism when I ask for it, but when unsolicited comments are being made on my character or in this case my relationship ethics, I feel attacked. I can't help it and I don't think I'm so wrong in feeling this way. I still adore Ella and Rock Star, I just know that they don't understand me that well. That's fine, though. friendship isn't always based on understanding. There are things about them I don't understand either. I just wish I felt more accepted for who I am. By now they know I'm sensitive and they don't have to baby me, but I wish they would take a little more care to not be so harsh. I have thin skin. Every poke hurts. When I was a little younger I had majorly low self esteem. My friends wouldn't have any problem telling me what was wrong with me. They wouldn't care if they hurt my feelings at all. If they had a problem with me they would put me down. I used to daydream a lot back then. I would just stop paying attention everything around me and just think about anything else. Daydreams were a lot more pleasant then my normal life. Eventually I found a new group of friends in grade 11. They were/are more considerate and respect me as a person. They're good people but whenever they tell me that they don't like something big about me or criticise me or make a negative comment about me, I just feel terrible. It doesn't happen too often at all but when it does I feel like crying. When Ella called me controlling, I felt like a monster. Bottom line is she could have been more tactful. I don't want tough love to toughen me up. I want people to accept that I'm sensitive and not be rough with my feelings. I've gone on about this for quite some time. The two friends I have mentioned are nice, thoughtful people. But this is my diary and I'm feeling very unliked right now. I need a hug. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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