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| Siren 2004, May 11 - 7:27 p.m.
I am so lucky to have such good friends. And Whitney let me go home early. See, I told her about breaking up with Brent and she and the editorial assistant took me outside to the park and talked to me. I know I did the right thing but seriously, today I needed to hear that a lot. How nice is it when your boss has girl talk with you after a difficult break up? Ella called me at work and after Whitney said I should go home, I met up with her and we spent an hour talking. She called Brent and talked to him a bit and it just ached seeing her talk to him, knowing she was helping him feel better and that I was the one who hurt him. But I'm happy she'll talk to him. He's probably going back to K-town to sort things out. He was building his whole life around me, despite my protests. I was holding him back. This break up is hurting him so much but it will be good for him in the long run. He's kick started and he'll learn that he can handle pain. And now he has the chance to re-discover who he is, outside of a relationship. He's been defining himself with me, using me as a crutch. And he wants to be my friend. Thank God. But it's going to be hard and it's going to take awhile... I miss him and yet I still know I made the right choice. Because during the day, so long as I could forget about how much pain I caused him, I was able to feel fine. I didn't grieve for me, I grieved for him. That's the final sign to show me that I wasn't in love with him. He's been here since the beginning of this diary and months before. This is a whole new era for me. It's been nearly four years since I've been single. I'm 21. Twenty-fucking-one and it's been four years since I've been on my own. I needed this too, not just him. We both need to figure out who we are and what we want. He wants me to tell his parents. He doesn't think he can do it. I will e-mail them if he wants. I don't mind. Anyhow, I met Caitlin coming home and we went out for a couple hours. More good reassurance that I made a good choice. I'm desperate for this reassurance. It feels so horrible inside that it doesn't seem like it should be right. But yeah, I'm on her computer right now. I'll be posting from my own in good time. We picked up a router today that neither of us know how to use, so we're waiting until her step dad is available to lend his expertise to our internet mission. But the phones work. Seriously, half the battle is won. It's just been a day. I won't feel quite right until I hear that Brent is doing alright. That could be a while. Every now and again I realize he's not my boyfriend anymore. I'm single. It's still hard to believe. So hard to believe. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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