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| There's a House Made up of Spades 2001, July 17 - 11:47 p.m.
So many things have been happening... and apparently I'm not even allowed to talk about it even if it is painful. I get really scared and confused and lonely at times and I can't even talk about it because I feel so guilty... I was crying this evening and I wanted someone to hold me, really badly. Brent called and I missed his call while having a family conferance and so called him back afterwards. I was crying the whole time on the phone and he asked me if I was tired and I could tell he kinda wanted to get off the phone. I really wish I could cry in front of him and tell him stuff but I don't think he'd take well to his girlfriend falling apart. I remember I was kinda falling apart around the time Van broke up with me. I was having some trouble: my dad, my grandma dying, general misery or sorts. Then he left me. I know he's gay, I know it wasn't meant to be anyway, but it gets me thinking. Am I ever going to be able to just let myself go? I want to tell him so much but I don't think he wants to hear it. It seems to me that he likes it better with us just having fun and having sex. How far does love go, really? Normal 18 year olds don't have to deal with what I deal with. They think about getting money for college/university. They think about relationships, friends, parties and jobs. They worry about getting or keeping a car or liscense, they have fun. I have to worry about lawyers screwing me out of my inheritance, I have to worry about having no home to come home to, I have to bear the worries of adult life from my dad, I have to miss my mom forever, I have to keep the house clean, I have to shut up about all of it. It's just so hard. I probably shouldn't even have written any of it down. But I'm tired. I just want to be happy and stay happy. I just want to let my guard down for a little while and live a normal life. But I can't, can I? Thank You - 2006, June 7
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