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| Cryin' 2001, August 21 - 2:42 p.m.
Last night I had a meltdown.... You see it all started like this... I was packing for school and whatnot, Friday being the day I move my things up and my dad has been pushing me to do it. Anyhow, he came home around 6 to give me my mail (I finally got my schedual) and he told me that I had to clear everything out of my room and box stuff I wouldn't be taking. He is renting out the two bedrooms after I leave. This bothered me more then I have let on. He needs the money and I can understand why he is doing this but it still really, really hurts. When I visit, I can't even go into my old room. I can't even look inside without permission. It's rightfully my space and has been since we moved in but as soon as I go, it won't be mine any longer. Most people have to take what they want and what they need... I have to erase my existance from not only one but two rooms. Brent and I went to Catholic's house for a final farewell for 7pm. Andrew was there, then Wicca and her manfriend came as well as Rock Star and a friend of hers. We all had fun playing board games but Brent was making too many jokes at my expense for my liking. I looked around and saw Jim being affectionate with Wicca and Andrew was holding Catholic when everyone was outside and these couples looked so happy. Brent wasn't being like that with me one bit nor has he in a long time. It was beginning to bother me. Everyone but Andrew, Brent and I left and the two guys played on Catholic's trampoline. Catholic and I went to her old swing set and talked. I told her that the way Brent was treating me in public was really gettting to me and she said that perhaps moving was taking it's toll on both of us. I didn't think that it was bothering him all that much since he hasn't started yet. Then all at once I started crying. I was really upset. I thought about losing my room and just cried and cried. Catholic held me while I cried and I realized that it was the first time I have shed a tear at all over moving. She asked me if I've ever cried in Brent's arms and I told her I hadn't. She thought I should try. In the back of my mind I had this realization and it was pushing it's way through. Nothing every really works out for me, Everything has always been difficult. My parents separated when I was 5, We always had less money, My mom got sick and died, I moved in with a parent with a drinking problem, I get kicked out of the house multiple times, we have even less money, I take on all the house work, My grandma dies, leaving me utterly motherless.... Then comes college and I don't even get into stupid residence and I have to find my own place and it's so much money... Then I find out that my room is going to be rented out... It's never easy and for once I would like it to be! I think I deserve just a little better then what I always wind up getting.... I cried until I saw the two guys walk towards us. Thank god for darkness. I ran to the trampoline and jumped out my anger and cried. Brent came along an didn't see me cry. Eventually when I saw the other come back I ran to the house to the washroom. We all left a wee bit later to go home. In the car Brent kept asking me if there was something wrong. I couldn't nor have I ever been able to cry in front of him, openly anyway. I've seen him cry a few times, I don't know why it's so hard. We went back to his house and he tried to be nice. He gave me a back rub and held me but I didn't talk to him, I just couldn't. So he left the room and played solitare for 45 min while I cried to myself. I washed my face and asked him to take me home. I was angry. I was so mad that he left me alone in his house to play cards on the computer. I didn't wait for him to get his shoes I just left the house and stormed to the car and he came and tore out of the driveway. We were going fairly fast, I think he was mad too. Halfway home he rubbed my leg and I started to cry again. He pulled into a parking lot and asked me what was the matter. I didn't answer and we left. We pulled into my house and I really broke down. He held me and again and again asked me what was wrong. I eventually told him everything. About him making fun of me in front of my friends, having to pack up everything I own, how everything is always so hard and that I was tired and didn't feel like I could do it anymore. He held me and told me it would be ok. Words like that are hardly ever phophetic but they are calming. He appologized too for making fun of me in front of my friends. I felt better. I haven't spoken to him yet today and I don't know what to expect... I feel strange. Like it may have changed eveything. I suppose we'll see. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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