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| Yesterday 2001, November 18 - 5:39 p.m.
I have four weeks until Christmas vacation and 15 more days until my birthday. Being 19 will be nice. I am not, however looking as forward to Christmas. I don't think I will be overly welcome at home. Not to mention that dad said Christmas will be bleak and as materialistic as this sounds, I know I'm not going to look as forward to it without the antisipation of what will be under the tree. Will he even bother with a tree? Maybe not. God I used to love Chistmas now it just seems like something to dread because we're not supposed to look forward to it anymore. That's generally what he says, "Don't get your hopes up" or "This isn't going to be a very good Christmas this year, I'm afraid." Why can't he say, "presents will be fewer then usual, but we will still have fun." But that's not his style. He likes to prepare everyone for the worst at all times. There is no point in being an optimist around him. He also likes to make Christmas a chore. Last year he demanded- yes, demanded- that we decorate the house before he got home. God almighty.. Where's his spirit? He really knows how to take the family love out of holidays. My mom knew how to do holidays right. She sent out cards and taped up the ones we had to the basement door, she bought Christmas candles and wreathes. She played Christmas music while we all decorated the tree. She'd be all mysterious about our presents and insisted that Santa Clause really existed and that she, herself believed in him. She always differenciated between her presents to us and Santa's. She always tried to get us to watch the tree with her while the lights were off and the tree was aglow, *grin* she never failed to mention the nativity scene either. There was a nativity scene every year at this place about a half hour away. I didn't like going, Jamie didn't like going, but she always insisted because it was what Christmas was really about. She always made sure we went to Christmas mass. I miss all that, I really do. Does a person really need a lot a presents when she has someone like that to show her what the holiday is all about? No. I really appreciated her catholism during the holidays. I never felt alone when I went to Christmas mass with her. My dad makes it all comercial. It's all about presents and whose dinner we will go to. It's like a competetion for our love or something. If we go to other relative's dinners we are somehow betraying him. I want a family of my own. Not right now, but definitely some day. Because of my mother I'll know how to do it right... I'll also know what not to do. Well, Brent's home now. I think I'll go and see him. ^_^ Thank You - 2006, June 7
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