13 more Days until I turn 19. Whee. I am not really looking forward to it as much anymore. The only person that is really going to care is Brent. I can't be with my family or my old friends. They won't give me a party or neat presents like they always have. It will pass them by because I won't be there. Do I sound whiny or what? It just kinda depresses me. I got to celebrate Wicca's's B-day and Catholic's B-day and Annabelle's B-day with them. I kinda got to do something for Katzy's B-day (well, I was able to drop off a present and I was happy to be able to do at least that!) *sigh* My birthday is gonna suck and Christmas will be nothing to look forward to... I feel so down. At least Brent will celebrate with me. He is my best friend, he really is. I realized that, I mean, who else could it be? And I hurt him the most. You always hurt the one you love. Probably cause you know you can. Or maybe it's cause you know they'll love you anyway, despite your bad mood. I've been plain miserable lately. I always bounce back, I just hope he continues to be understanding.

On a funny note today... In drawing class we have to do two portraits of the same person, both different and in conte. I did Brent. Oh, lordy did I make an ass out of myself. Brian (instructor) asked this guy in my class some questions about my drawing. I thought he was asking me so I answered the questions for him... twice! It was a total reflex. They all had a good laugh at me, though none of them seemed to think I was an ass. The best part about being short and young looking is people always think the best of you because you look so ineffectual. I had drawn Brent's nose crooked and Brian asked if his nose was really crooked like that and if that was why I had fallen in love with him. Good Grief. Of course his nose wasn't really crooked and there were other mistakes that pretty much made the same joke. The way I had shaded his face made it look like he had whiskers. "Does he have whiskers?" I could only laugh at that. I tried so hard for the rest of class not to picture Brent looking like a cat. It was a pretty good day... except for the model we had. She did the same poses over and over. I was bored to tears. She also had really huge breasts. They threw me off something fierce. I mean they really looked out of place. I would hate to have breasts like that! Then for extra life drawing she was there again! Argh. I left early, I just couldn't handle drawing her holding that damn pole over and over anymore.

I have painting tomorrow. Then I have to work on 2D design. I told Brent I woulnd't be seeing him tomorrow at all so that he could do a lot of work and get a decent nights sleep (for once.) He hasn't really wanted to have sex lately. He's been tired, he says. The thing with being in a sexual relationship is... it feels off when you go through dry spells. I feel less attractive to him; unfit or not good enough. I tried to explain it to him, but I now find it for the best if I don't. He just winds up feeling all guilty and then I feel bad even if it is how I feel, then I feel resentful and so forth. I should be the one who decides. He's supposed to be in his sexual peak. Can I help it if I somehow feel that this is my fault? I think I have gained a bit of weight... *sigh* I just always been insulted when I go over and time after time he doesn't want to touch me. He'll suggest it and then not follow through. When he gets the drift that I want to he'll take a nap so he'll be more in the mood and then I'll feel stupid. I know that he loves me and that he finds me attractive and that he has been tired and can't help this but it still hurts. I feel very undesirable and in a very odd way, kind of left out.

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Thank You - 2006, June 7
The end - 2006, June 4
Canada Loves Me - 2006, May 31
In and Out - 2006, May 28
Where Have I Been? - 2006, May 25