Right now I am infuriated. I was/am supposed to be sleeping in Brent's arms tonight. I was supposed to be waking up next to him in the morning. But did this happen? Well, I'm writing here, aren't I?

I feel tricked. Very tricked...and mislead. Brent's brother, Tim came up tonight. I was informed of this a couple weeks ago. I asked Brent, "Oh, then I guess I won't be spending the night that night then, eh?" I was disappointed, but a brother is a brother and I wouldn't have minded obviously. Brent said to me, "Yeah, you can. He won't be spending the night or anything." Well, then. I guess it will be like our normal Fridays then, methinks.

So tonight came. Tim came. We ate pizza, drank and watched a Star Trek TNG marathon. I am getting quite drunk, at Brent's insistence ("Are you trying to get me drunk?" "Yes.") and also more confused as to why Tim hasn't left yet. He then says he is going to go get his sleeping bag. He leaves. I'm thinking..."Ah..ha." I ask Brent if he's spending the night and he says yes and then I tell him immediately that I am going to be going home then. I can't say that it's a comfortable experience for me to be lying in bed with my boyfriend in my pj's with his brother at our feet, possibly snoring all night. Brent is upset and says that why don't I just stay? I am, by this time furious. If it's one thing I cannot stand it's when people make decisions for me without my knowledge. He KNEW that his brother spending the night would bother me so he didn't say anything. He had me drink and get all tired and pack all my stuff for the night so that I would have reason to stay. God, that pissed me off. It's ok if Tim spends the night, I'm fine with that, it's a good arrangement, it's nice that they could spend some time together. It just would have to be without me for the night.

What I'm not ok with is that he didn't tell me. He said he only found out last night, well that gave him 12 hours to tell me about these new circumstances. We talked over the phone at 6 pm today about me coming over. I was double checking to make sure that tonight was like a normal Friday night and he said it was. No mention of Tim staying over. Christ...what a manipulative thing to do. Selfish too. I was tired and tipsy and waiting for Tim to go so I could lay down and go to bed. And then I have to leave. Really, for me there was no choice, there was no way I'd stay under the circumstances.

Am I making too big of a deal about this? I hate, I mean, I really hate when there are last minute changes, especially when they could have been avoided, such as during that phone call. Now I have to spend the night alone when I was looking forward to have a warm body to lie next to and it's all Brent's fault for being such an inconsiderate ass. I'm still having my period too. He knows it. Not a good time to be messing with me. My feelings are hurt too. I don't know why but it makes me really upset and sad as well that he didn't see fit to tell me what I was going to be doing tonight because really, it was all in his hands.

He kept saying he was sorry in an irritated way as though it wasn't a big deal. As though he wasn't really to blame, as though I was the one who was changing the plans and inconveniencing everybody. I guess I feel kicked out. He knew I wouldn't want to stay and waited until the last second to tell me and then I had to leave. I really did. It's who I am and he knows it. Jerk.

We're supposed to do something tomorrow but I think I may just not answer the phone or cancel on him last minute. See how he likes it when I change HIS plans with my actions or inactions. I feel more angry about this then perhaps I should. But like I said. I'm in a state of fluctuating hormones and should not be dealt with lightly. I want my anger to be vindicated and validated. One thing about Brent is that he doesn't do that for me.

While I'm on the subject of complaining about Brent I may as well complain about something else. Sex, yet again. He wanted it today. He knew I was out of commission and that's when he feels like it? When he remembered, he said never mind. My sex drive is actually not very high at all. I like the emotional and romantic connection. When I don't get it, I don't feel right. Further more whenever we do have sex it's all about him. I give and give and give and he takes and takes and takes. I do all the work with foreplay... but isn't it supposed to be mostly for me, the woman? I would for once like to enjoy it on a physical level but that seems to be too tall an order for him. I feel used afterwards. I feel that connection...but I also feel used. It's depressing. My enjoyment should mean something to him, but it really doesn't. He gets disappointed when I tell him it wasn't great for me but he does nothing to try improve. I've given him pointers, tips, I've said "Do this." "Do that." but it never sinks in and he doesn't do it the next time.

I guess what I'm saying is...I'm not satisfied with this relationship anymore. I'm not going to end it based on this one thing, but he is going to have to shape up or what choice do I have? I don't deserve to be attached to someone for the rest of my life who doesn't make the effort for me. As a boyfriend, the friend part in boyfriend, he's great. He's understanding, most of the time; a good listener, most of the time and good to me, almost always. It's when it comes down to the sexual part of our relationship that he is severely lacking. It honestly is an important part. I need to be treated better and more like an equal partner in sex... otherwise it's all just masturbation for him then, isn't it?

God, what a rant I've made this evening. I apologize to anyone who reads this for such a possibly way too intimate look into my sex life. But then again...it IS my diary, right? Anyway, I feel a bit better.

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