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| Everybody Hurts.... 2001, December 19 - 11:18 a.m.
Last night I spent the night in my house. I had gone to Caitlin's for dinner, watched the much screwed up Utena movie with no subtitles and got picked up by Brent around 7:45. We stayed at his place until 1ish. He had refused to pick a movie to watch so I retaliated by picking Sense and Sensibility. It's a very long movie. Brent hated it. I was scared to go home but I decided I had to try so Brent took me over, reassuring me that the worst that could happen would be that we took a drive. It was a quiet drive up. I occupied my mind with other thoughts and tried not to think about going home. When we got to my house I tried to open the door. The Screen door was locked. I didn't want to ring the bell at 1:20 in the morning but I saw my little cat, Jerry meowing to come in, looking very cold and miserable. So I rang the doorbell three times. I went back into the car. Brent gave me a hug. The door opened. My brother was there, he had kept his promise. I went inside and my dad was pretending to be asleep. I know this because three rings with the doorbell would have awakened him. I put on my pajamas and went to bed. I had a glorious 9 hour rest. I woke up to an empty house and felt that much better. I am going to wait a couple days to make sure I can continue to go on the net dailey to do Diary Reviews (I had to stop doing them for awhile until I knew I would be reliable...such is my situation.) God knows how long it will take before things settle. I can hear my dad now: "There will be changes. There are rules in this house. You will do as you're told." All things that make no sense, all things that do not apply to the situation or myself. I am living alone and visiting for the holidays. I have not broken any rules, I shall not do as I'm told because I am an adult. 19 is adult status in Canada, and I'm living on my own, supporting myself at school with little to no help from him. And yet here I am being treated like garbage on my return home. He should watch how he treats his children. He may wind up in a home someday. Do I deserve to be treated like that? All I want to know is where does he think he gets the right? Telling me that my mother's death didn't hurt me. Telling me that his life has more pressure than mine...The man has never been to college. That is something he doesn't understand. I have an uncertain future, a mother who had died when I was 16 and a loose cannon for a dad. I don't know pressure? He claims that losing my mother was nothing comapred to the pain he felt when he lost his a year ago. He was 45. I was 16. That makes a differance! It still hurts but I was happy for grandma when she died. She was ready to go. Her husband, siblings, parents were all dead and she was just waiting to go to. She made the most of her time, she was happy, but she was a very religious catholic woman and she wanted to go to Heaven to see her Charlie. I could see this. My moher didn't want to die. She was 49. She wanted to continue working, she wanted to see her kids get married and hold her grandchildren. She wanted to retire. She wanted to live out in the country with horses, her cats, some good books and visit her friends and family in her old age. She wanted to die an old woman after having lived a long, rich life. She didn't get that. She never will. Dad has the audacity to tell me that her death wasn't as big of a deal as his mother's was. I wish my mother died as old as grandma did. I wish my mother got to do all the things that his mother did. I bet he doesn't wish that his mom died when she was 49. I bet he doesn't wish his mom died when he was 16. He is the last person on earth who should feel pain. When he does, he just spreads it around and stays blind to everyone elses suffering. No one is as hurt as he is, in his eyes. That really disgusts me. I accept his pain. I'm sure we're both feeling it a lot. I don't care to speculate on who feels worse..he just always tries to tell me that his is worse and that's not fair. He is a child inside. Perhaps that's why he feels that way. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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