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| The Guilt 2003, December 11 - 4:19 a.m.
Brent and I are having intimacy problems... I just don't want to be with Brent phyically anymore. He is perfect for me in everyway, except for that fairly large detail. He cooks and cleans and loves my cats and has a good sense of humour and he's smart and knows me well and he's romantic... why oh why can't I feel the way I need to about him? I never had the butterflies. I never really felt nervous around him. I was always happy to see him and I looked forward to it, but it's not the same thing as butterflies, is it? Butterflies is that special feeling when you know you're falling in love. Being in love is when you know your love is not conditional on how much he does for you, but is conditional on he, himself. He is who he is and the things he does for you are special because they're from him... not the other way around. Not the things he does for you makes him special to you. That's how it is right now. Brent is so important to me and his happiness is a high priority to me as well. I care so much about him and he is such a wonderful person. But somehow it isn't enough. I need to be in love. Brent deserves someone to be in love with him. And we are living together until April, no matter what. I have to make the best of it and plan ahead. I just don't want to hurt Brent. I know I'll have to, I know it. I just don't want to. But then, that's just my own guilt speaking, isn't it? I can't string someone along for the rest of my life over guilt. As soon as we can live apart, he needs to know. It's a waste of his time to be with somone who doesn't feel the same way about him as he does me. It's a waste of my time too. I just have to keep telling myself not to make decisions based on how guilty I feel. It's not fair to either of us. Either way, I have four and a half months to go until I have to face this problem head on. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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