As it is now, I feel as though I have paths in front of me. I have various paths I can take. I can even blaze some trails. The easiest route would probably make me the most unhappy, and there is only so much regret I can live with.

I regret plenty. I regret small things and big things. There are small regrets and big regrets. And then there are just regrets. I think one of the worst things I can feel is regret. Even guilt isn�t quite so bad as regret is itself because when I feel guilt it is because I regret what I�ve done or what I�ve said.

My regrets lie in many things, often having to do with my past; something that I hang on to so dearly. I have often wondered why I do that. I reflect often and keep mementos and I don�t let things go. It�s almost as if I�m too afraid to let things go. I�m too afraid to move on.

I�m terribly afraid that by moving on I�ll be letting go of things that are important to me. Even the regrets are important to me. There are few I can go back and fix; so few.

I have big regrets about my mother that cannot be helped. Many regrets about her are not my fault,; they are things that I regret for the future mostly. I regret her loss of my life. She�ll never hold her grandchildren. I regret that for her. I regret it for me too, for whom will I go to when I need help or advice?

I regret some things I did and said when she was alive, but not too much. In her last year, I did my best to include her in my life and hug her often. I can live with myself for that, despite the regrets.

And then there are the small regrets, the things I did and said as a child that hurt other kids. The things I said and did as a teenager that hurt other people�s feelings. The growing pains bitchiness that I wish I had been exempt from but wasn�t. I regret bitchiness, I despise the word and I despise knowing when I fit the criteria for it. These are the small regrets.

Then there are the stupid regrets. I wish I had never told Rock Star about my diary. Wicca and I likely would have grown apart in time, but slowly and with dignity. With a calm acceptance. We could have checked in with each other from time to time with care and concern and moved on.

But because Rock Star showed Wicca the diary, Wicca went through it and well, that was a reality check. Now I wonder from time to time if they�re reading it and I�m not sure but I think it�s holding me back from really letting go. I really want to share myself here, I want to express my self and discover myself� just not under the scrutiny of people who don�t like me.

And who knows maybe they�ve given up reading it forever. And maybe they�re reading this sentence right now. I don�t know.

But everyone has regrets, I know this. Some people are just better at letting them go. I am not. Especially when I can go back and do something about it.

I have the option right now to face a regret head on and try. But I�m scared. If I don�t do it and miss my chance then I will feel twice the regret than before and I will not be able to forgive myself for being so stupid.

That is where my most basic of regrets stem from: being a coward. I am a coward. A wimp, if you will. I can handle pain, I can handle extreme amounts of pain. And this is where I get confused. If I can handle a lot of pain, why will I not take risks, knowing that I will be able to handle it?

Oh, I can trick myself and fool myself saying now is not the right time to be taking risks of this nature, now is a bad time. It wouldn�t be right. But whom am I kidding? I�m just trying to give myself permission to chicken out.

I could give myself either happiness or closure but for some reason I�m not doing it. I do know that if I take this risk, I could no longer live in the past. I would have to stop. I would have to look forward completely.

I know I have to do it� every step I have taken, I have taken to get one step closer to ending my regret.

But I feel as though I�ve been moving up the stairs in the dark and suddenly the lights are on and I can see I went up the wrong staircase.

I know I�m being vague but I need this vagueness. I need some semblance of privacy even in my own diary. Even in my own thoughts.

I wish I could live in the now. I�m not very good at doing that.

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