I just saw Lord of the Rings, Return of the King. Catholic got tickets to the premiere (the 15th) and asked me to go. It was wonderful. Powerful, really. My eyes were in tears up for at least four different scenes. I won�t go into it anymore. Anything beyond this would be spoilers and that would be mean.

I�ve been thinking of my immediate future. I have four months left of school, possibly for life. I�ve been in school for as long as I can remember and now I�m months away from entering an entirely new part of my life. It feels so uncertain and scary� yet there is an appeal to being in a small apartment with a entry level job. There will be no where to go but up.

I want to work at a job I enjoy and meet people, mature people who are in the same boat as me. It�s just unreal, I mean even friends from high school aren�t doing the same thing; university is four years so Ella is another year away and Caitlin is two years away. Catholic is graduating with me but then she�s getting married and taking a very different path from me. Annabelle dropped out of university and is working with her fianc�e whom she is marrying in five days.

And then Hos, whom I�ve only spoken to off and on is working and taking university part time. And then the two I�ve fallen out with are another year away from graduating in university.

Brent wants to take another year but is still unsure about what he wants to do. I am unsure about my future with Brent so even that is uncertain.

I guess I�m nervous and wildly excited and apprehensive. I feel rather confident I can get a job in my field after graduation and semi confident it will be in a genre I am interested in. I am unsure if it can be in Ottawa and who knows what the pay will be like.

In some ways I�m still a kid; I still live with my aunt and uncle officially and I don�t pay rent. I am not self sufficient. And even though I have taken the important step of moving out and living alone/without family and have learned life skills, I am living off of my inheritance because I�m in school.

When I move out on my own and live off of my own hard work and talents and build a career for myself, then I will be an adult. I�m already treated as one by my family members, excluding my father. The rest see me as a woman. I think it has a lot to do with my mother being dead. I have taken her place in line in a way. I can tell by the conversations I am now privy to, the change in the way I�m treated at family functions. The way I�m told �You look just like your mother right now�� And I do.

And sometimes I can feel her in me. Pieces of her are in me, things she taught me through instruction or example and it�s all shaped me into the sort of person I am and the woman I am becoming.

And while she became loved and respected, she led a hard life that ended early and painfully. There is a picture of her as she was at my age. She was in the same stage as me. She was a young woman who was not exactly an adult. And she was so happy. Hopeful too, I bet she was hopeful. Unsure about the future� I know she had dreams and aspirations. And I love that when I see that picture I can tell we had those things in common. It kills me though that when I look at it, I also see it as the picture where she didn�t see it coming.

I plan to have a daughter some day, I really want one. I wonder how she�ll see pictures of me as I am now when she�s 21. I almost hope that when she does, she�ll laugh at my hairstyle and clothes and think I�m quaint. Because that will mean I�m alive and well. Introspective looks into the psyche of your mother as she was as a young woman cannot mean anything good. If all is well, you don�t question why.

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