Does anyone remember when Christmas was fun? Like really fun? When Santa was real and you have the nativity scenes at school or church (depending on how you were raised) and the parties in grade school? How about the secret santas with your classmates and the carefree feeling that all you had to do was keep your Christmas spirit and Santa was sure to come to your house?

I miss that. I feel good about gift giving and it feels great to select the perfect present for someone; something I must say, I am very good at doing. However, you have to push through the crowds on the roads, in the malls and on the streets. Parents have to get their kids an X-Box or all is lost this christmas. Kids no longer have to be good or Santa will leave them a lump of coal. I see kids behaving like crap during the holidays all the time and you just know they're going to get some $300 present come Christmas morning.

Christmas is materialistic. Too commercial. It's been said before but it gets worse and worse. This year, the mall is open late on Boxing Day so people can splurge on presents for themselves after all that tiring giving they've been doing all month.

Heaven forbid we all stay home and bask in our array of presents from our loved ones and take it easy. I myself will be working because Uncle John asked me to. Boxing Day is a terrible commotion and they always get swamped. So I am working for lunch. And you know what? Since I'll be out there anyway, I'll likely shop as well.

And I hate myself for it because I can't practice what I preach.

I guess what I'm saying is I've lost my christmas spirit. It can come and go for all I care. Since Grammie died when I was ten, Christmas went downhill. She had always made the big dinner and had us over for presents and food and candy and good times. It was so wonderful to be with my family. I always got clothes, so I remember not caring about the presents. I was happy to be with my family on Christmas. Christmas Eve was spent with my dad's family and every single person filled my grandma and grandpa's small living room.

The grandkids got money which was nice but not exactly fun and I remember greatly looking forard to spending time with everyone all at once when everyone was happy.

That was Christmas. My brother and I were never spoiled at Christmas. We always had plenty of presents, though Mom said not to expect too much. We never did and were never disappointed.

When Grammie died, Mom and Aunt Debbie took over and shared Christmas and made it work. It was different, but still a lot of fun. We all looked forward to it every year, though when Mom died, everything changed. Dad has never been big on Christmas. It stopped being about family and started being about presents. His entire focus was on presents. And money. And stress.

Then when grandma died, he just stopped with Christmas all together and made life miserable and my past christmas entries can attest to that.

Even today, when he's with his lovely girlfriend who has helped him become a better man, it's still all about the presents. That makes me very unhappy. He won't go to his family's Christmas dinner and says he likely isn't putting up the tree.

So for now, my Christmas spirit is on hiatus. When I have my own family, I'll make things different. I'll make it what it used to be. Presents will not be the focus, they will be an aspect. More than ever I feel that Christmas is about family. More than ever, I feel that few simple, thoughtful presents to express love on this day is better than buying as much as you can afford.

It's moments like these that I know that someday I will definitely have children. That's one thing that's missing from my holiday. The joy of seeing children on Christmas. If anything can retrieve my love of Christmas, that is it.

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