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| Passive 2004, February13 - 12:57 p.m.
Ok... things are really weird between Brent and I right now. Really weird. It has to do with me not living with him after school. In all honesty, I'm confused about the way I feel about him and living together is more like a marriage than I had thought it would be. I have considerably less freedom to go and do what I want whenever I want. Our sex life is pretty much non-existant and it pretty much has everything to do with me. I just don't want it. I have a sneaking suspision that I just don't want sex with him. I'm not completely sure and this is a fairly new realization. But... it all came to a head after I talked over the phone to Caitlin about apartments. Brent really thinks that I'm going to change my mind or that I should or something... Anyhow, he was making dinner at the time and he always brings me my dinner to me and then I thank him and we eat together and so forth. He just brought out his own dinner. Passive aggressive. I asked him why and he shrugged and said he only had to bring out his own dinner and that mine was in the kitchen. So, confused I go to the kitchen and it's all still in the pots. Very passive agressive. So back in the living room I ask Brent what the matter is, because he was obviously trying to make some kind of point. He was going about it the wrong way, because with me, passive aggressive just don't fly. After several "nothings" and "I don't knows" he finally pouted out, "You and Caitlin were talking about apartments." Well shoot the rooster and paint me stupid, that was his problem? Caitlin calls me and brings up apartments and he decides to play the victim and punish me in small meaningless ways? After a very short exchange, in which he continues to victimize himself and pout, I finish my dinner, thank him for it and leave to my room to stay there. He stays in the living room, I stay in the bedroom. I decided to not talk to him until he was ready to talk to me about what his problem is. I am always the one who draws him out, gets him to talk to me and it's always a fight and a hassle. When he asks me, he gets an answer and anger and he knows exactly what is wrong. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of the ways he leaves it up to me to fix our problems. I heard him cleaning, and at 12:30 he lets me know Conan O'Brien is on. I didn't respond. I don't want TV alerts, I don't want small talk, I don't want him to fool around like this. If after 3 years, he can't get his act together enough to tell me how he feels, openly and honestly and then be prepared to listen and talk, then I don't want to bother. He decided on his own to sleep on the couch and came in for his pillow. He said goodnight, but I didn't respond. "Goodnight?" He was just going to make a problem between us and then not solve it and go to bed? Asshole... So in the night I heard him being angry. He makes angry noises. In the morning, he came in the room and dressed and I kept my eyes closed and ignored him. He kissed me cheek before he left and said "see you tonight." I didn't respond. I suppose I sound like a cold bitch. But I don't want small talk, I don't want him to try to erase a problem by pretending that nothing is wrong anymore. And I do want to punish him back, in a passive aggressive way. To show him that it sucks, it's not fair and that it's stupid. I know it's childish and the silent treatment is not going to help, but I'm past caring. I am not living with him after school and it's not up for discussion. He has to accept that... or not have me in his life at all. I am going to do what is best for me, and living a married sort of life is not what is right for me right now. I will decide when it is, not him. He keeps on about, "What am I going to do?" "Where am I going to live?" That is not my problem! It's his, and I am not anybody's crutch! Not socially, economically, or otherwise. He doesn't know if he'll be doing more school, where he will work, if he will work or anything. And yet on top of my feelings and desire to live with a friend, he would have me make my plans around him? When his life is up in the air? ... I'm just sick of it. And we're going to Cuba together in a week. God... Thank You - 2006, June 7
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