Remember yesterday I mentioned my cat Smokey? Brent decided to take him on another walk. Oh yes. Smokey has taken his irresistible obnoxiousness to a new level. I can't go near the door without him throwing himself against it to get out. He sits in wait for someone to open the door for him.

What a constant joy he is. I especially love when he wails.

Now, aside from my cat there are other things going on.

Brent and I had a talk last night about us. It was so hard and depressing. He was talking about us not being together anymore because we'll not be living together. There could be some truth in that.

I haven't committed myself to ending our relationship. I am not currently in love, but it could be because I'm taking him for granted. It could be because I feel like I don't have a choice but to be with him because of the lease.

I'm giving it one last chance to work. I want to see if my heart changes when I have the chance to miss him. He's a truly wonderful person and I want to make sure of my feelings 100% before I do anything rash.

Right now, I don't feel 100% sure. And sometimes when I look at him or hold him or laugh with him, I feel such a strong surge of love.

But the sex... it just isn't even a part of our lives anymore. He doesn't please me... it's not like he doesn't try, I have the feeling we may be sexually incompatable. And that is a serious concern.

*sigh* I do know that I'm not ready to be living with him or anyone though. Agreeing to live together was a huge step that I didn't think through. I miss my space, my me time, a clean home, and other small freedoms that come with living alone or a roommate.

I'm ambivilant. I don't know how I feel about the relationship anymore. All I do know is that my heart is telling me to live without him next year. It's a gut feeling and my instincts should be on my side.

Telling his parents will be hard though. I like them both so much and I'm afraid they'll be upset or mad or insulted that I don't want to live with their son...

We're seeing them tomorrow. I think we'll be telling them then. I think it would also be a good time for Brent to tell them he has no current life plan or direction. I've been trying to get him to make decisions about his life but he refuses. I have told him I will do everything possible to help and support him with what he chooses... but he just won't make a choice!

It's getting to me. He isn't taking an active interest in his own life. It's only further complicating my feelings too. *sigh*

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Thank You - 2006, June 7
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In and Out - 2006, May 28
Where Have I Been? - 2006, May 25