 |
||
| You Weren't Meant for Me 2004, March 20 - 1:00 a.m.
It looks like Caitlin and I have found a place to live! I don�t think I have ever decided on a new place so quickly. In every other case, I have looked at 3-6 other places before making a decision. But Caitlin is impulsive and I am flexible and this place is really cute. It�s bright, it�s in a good area, it�s a reasonable size, it has good security, it�s close to the subway and grocery store and the colours! OK, now the colours didn�t make me decide on this place because that would be ass-hat stupid. But they didn�t hurt. The previous tenants painted it in these amazing bright colours that make you feel at home and happy when you walk in the door. Add that to seeing newer appliances and a nice bathroom and hardwood floors (I hate carpet in rented apartments or houses, it always looks like a mould monster wiped his ass on the floor) and we were sold. The place is also already wired for cable/internet and phone in all the bedrooms and it�s ready for May. A laundromat is across the street too, which is handy dandy and the annex is full of great things to do. Overall, I�m a happy camper. Brent is not. And here I go on the Brent train again. This is very difficult. As more and more time goes on, I become more and more aware that our relationship is ending and I am going to have to be the one to actually break it off. He�s my best friend. It�s been a platonic relationship for a long time now, but that doesn�t make it any easier to do this. I love him as a person, I think he�s a wonderful human being and I don�t want to cause him pain. But, as Ella pointed out Thursday, I can�t sit on a fence about this. When I move out, I have to break it off. Break his heart more like it. I know in the long run, it is the kindest way to do it and that to do the best thing for him means I have to make a clean break. No confusion about what I mean, no stringing him along. And I admit, I have been considering doing that to ease him into it. But really, that is selfish isn�t it? That would only make me feel better, not him. And it would cause him more pain. The whole band-aid analogy. I guess I�ve been denying it to myself because I�m still living with him right now and that can�t and won�t change until I move out. I feel like a liar but yet I can�t bring myself to do it before I go. Yes, because it would be harder for me, but also harder for him. Facing the person who hurt you and broke your heart everyday for a month doesn�t seem like it would be helpful at all. And seeing my best friend in pain everyday for month and knowing I caused it and can make him feel better if just for a short while by taking it back� well it would be bad for both of us. And I know could go on about how unfair it is that I have to do this, but I just can�t. I�m the one who decided to move out, I�m the one who fell out of love and I�m the one who is going to make this decision so I have to bear this and just pray I�ll find the strength to do it properly for him. God, it hurts already. I want him to be happy. He deserves so much happiness and I wanted so badly to be the one who could give it to him. And I want the love he has to give me, OH God do I want it because he makes me happy. But when I look at him I know I don�t feel the way I should� I�m not for him and he�s not for me. And I just cried. For the first time I realized that I am really going to have to do this and hurt him. And he won�t be around anymore and I�ll be without my best friend Brent. I hope someday he�ll forgive me. He�s still the boy I lost my virginity to, the first boy I lived with and my first love. I don�t regret it was him. I just regret how I feel now and what I need to do with those feelings. ...One more month... Thank You - 2006, June 7
|
|||