I suppose I should write about my placement. Seeing as how it's now a major part of my life.

I got my eyebrows done today - at my placement. That and my bangs. The editor had a make up artist come in to do that for the staff and lucky me, I got to do it too. In fact, she was about to leave but Whitney ran up to her and asked her to stay for me. I was touched that she'd do a favour like that for me.

My eyebrows look amazing. Brent even noticed them, they look that good.

Speaking of Brent, he made Tuesday Jenn day. I came home to a clean house, my favorite meal and Dr. Phil was taped. He brushed my hair and made a lot of effort to make me feel special.

It was the sort of thing he used to do. I think that's why I thought I was in love. I have never been treated as well as he treats me. Sometimes I feel unworthy of it. I did Tuesday. But considering how miserable life has been with him these past few months, I was thankful for the change, despite how guilty I felt.

Between his moodiness and guilt trips and anger towards me (though I do understand it) it still hurts to have anger and resentment aimed at you daily from someone you really care about.

So on Wednesday I came home and I was looking forward to the new Brent. Not necessarily the Brent who does things for me, but the Brent who doesn't make me feel bad.

I again, I understand that he has every right to be mad at me and feel resentful towards me and I understand the moodiness. It's just so hard to actually live with someone who feels that way and makes you feel that way. I absorb people's feelings. I have always been very sensitive to how people feel.

I read my old journals from grade 11, back when I was best friends with Rock Star. As she spiraled downwards, I noticed I was too. I'm tempted to say she was dragging me down with her, but honestly, I was just reacting to her feelings, and the feelings I had absorbed from her.

The same thing happens with Brent. It's so much to live with. It was only on Tuesday when he was so wonderful did I realize how much stress my living situation was causing me. So when I came home on Wednesday I tried to spend time with Brent and talk to him about his day but he was angry at me again.

Basically after a small fight, I broke down crying. I felt like the one day of happiness with him was a tease. I had thought that maybe we could both work towards making our lives with each other better. I thought we were going to be doing better. I took a bath to calm down.

Afterwards, Brent came to talk to me. Soemtimes when I'm angry I don't even look at him, but in this case, we cut to the chase, no mind games, no snideness or anything.

Brent admitted he was angry at me for leaving. I admitted his anger at me was making me miserable. And some resentment of mine came out. Just the fact that he still hadn't made any choices and the only choices available to him were choices he didn't like so he was moping about it.

I mean, I had talked him through his options, presented ideas for him to explore, supported the ideas he came up with, given him support and advice for all of it and all on a daily basis.

After a long discussion we made up. He promised not to make me miserable anymore. On purpose anyway. The main problem for me was that he was purposefully trying to make me unhappy.

His problem was that he thought I was leaving him forever.

That is not and will never be the case. Whatever happens between us as a couple, I will always love him and care about him. I will always want him in my life.

We talked about breaking up too. We both talked about it being a good possibility. It was a hard conversation but we were able to put a good spin on it.

I kind of gave him a motivational speech. Mostly about how challenges make you a better person. And sometimes when you keep being hit with bad luck, you can become stronger because then you learn how much you can handle.

I mean, I've had a rough time. Bad things just kept happening in three years, My grandpa, then my mom then my grandma died. In the span of it all, I watched my mom die, dealt with my father, lost my house and my cats. After my grandma died, my dad blamed me, 'borrowed' thousands of dollars and my boyfriend broke up with me.

And I'm here, doing well, quite happy and I haven't spontaneously combusted or anything. I feel like I can handle anything that an happen to me. Not that I'd enjoy it, but I'd get thorugh it.

And that is what I want for Brent and that's what I told him. I think he understood.

Today we're on great terms. Just like best friends. When I look at him I feel so much love. Not passion, but plenty of love. He is truly a wonderful person.

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Thank You - 2006, June 7
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In and Out - 2006, May 28
Where Have I Been? - 2006, May 25