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| The Question of Japan 2004, April 24 - 11:22 a.m.
I feel this amazing pit in my stomach. By amazing, I mean melancholy and wrenching. The end of the month is almost here. I�ll be moving out in exactly a week�s time. In a way, I don�t want to leave. I love Brent. In another more telling way, I know I have to leave. I have to leave for a slew of reasons. That doesn�t make this any easier. How do you tell your boyfriend, your best friend, who loves you so much that you just want his friendship? He�s like me in a lot of ways. He doesn�t make friends that easily and when he finally connects with someone, it�s more than just a friendship, it�s a bond. He has that bond with me and I have that bond with him� I just know that I�m not in love the way he is. I know that though he makes me happy, he doesn�t fulfil that one need that makes this more than a friendship. I don�t feel passion, lust, anything. Comfort, yes, but I don�t want to have sex with him. I did once� but I think it was more of an expression of love. There is nothing wrong with expressing love with sex, but there needs to be desire too. A need. Otherwise, you�re in my position. I want to be in love. I want to have sex again. I want to feel that amazing feeling, that real love feeling and I want it to be with Brent. It hurts so much that I can�t. Brent is planning on going to Japan to teach English. He should get accepted. I told him we�ll break up when he goes but that we�ll maintain our friendship. I�m encouraging him to go. It would be best for both of us if he does go. He would have so many other things to do and experience and learn. He�d meet new people. He�d grow as a person. And we could end our relationship in a mutual way. I�m not so na�ve to think that it will end according to my plan, but I want to break his heart as little as possible. Within the week I have to decide how to do this. I either do it when I leave, or I wait until he�s ready to go to Japan. I�m leaning towards Japan. Somehow ending a relationship as I move out seems too abrupt. Too hurtful. I don�t know. I�ll have to see what happens. I�ll see how I read him when I leave. My stomach isn�t going to stop hurting for some time. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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