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| Falling away 2004, April 25 - 12:25 p.m.
I remember that for a couples years afterward, after my mom died, that I had wished it had been my dad instead. It seemed like the obvious choice. He was unhappy and had a bad temper and was disjointed from his family. Jamie and I wouldn�t have had to live with him and Mom would have been supportive. She wouldn�t have kicked us out the house like the always did. It was a vindictive wish; a grief induced wish. I couldn�t imagine the pain of losing him could match the pain of losing her. Perhaps I was right. I don�t know. But I could find out. My dad has prostate cancer. He�s known for 6 weeks and told me last night. We also said I Love You for the first time in so long last night too. I also heard him cry. I think the last time I saw that was when grandma died. And the time before that was shortly after my mother died. I don�t have any rose coloured glasses on about this. I know he could die. I�m so aware of it, I almost don�t see him surviving. I thought my mom would survive and she�s not here anymore. I thought the death centred era of my life was over with, at least until I was much older. Perhaps not. Maybe both of my parents will die young. Maybe I�ll be orphaned at the age of 22 or 23. I feel shock over this and some dread. A little numb too. I just don�t get why this always happens. Dare I say it, why me. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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