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| Doesn't mean anything 2004, April 26 - 10:10 p.m.
Brent and I had friends over last night. The last weekend we'll ever entertain here together. It was fun but it was kind of depressing. Brandy, Mary, Steph and Fred came. I told Steph and Mary about my dad. I've also emailed Catholic. Brent knows because he was here when dad phoned. Other than that... Well, diary readers know. It still hasn't sunken in yet. I mean, this is my dad. We have a complicated relationship. He's been an ass to me and my brother. On the flip side he's been supportive of everything I've ever wanted to do with my life. He's been destroying his body for years... God, I just don't know how to take this. I was never a daddy's girl. I was never even close to him; his temper gets in the way of that. His high handed opinions get in the way too. His irrational outbursts, his alcohalism, his apparent apathy towards his family (excluding a handful of us). But he's my dad. My one surviving parent. Other than him, the only family member I have is Jamie. He could seriously die. He could die. It's too much to really consider. I'm not ready to be alone. Hes not always there for me, but he's all I have. I barely even feel optimisic. My mom died of cancer. My mentor died of cancer. Why not my dad too. I don't want to give up on him... I just feel so hopeless about it. And alone. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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