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| Closeted 2004, May 21 - 5:00 p.m.
Another entry today! See, everyone went home early because it�s Friday and the long weekend (I love my job) so I did too. I really wish that there was an opening for me. If there was, I feel like I�d be hired. I�m received well there, Whitney has often told me what a help I�ve been and my stories have been praised by the editor. There have been other subtle comments referring to me possibly working there down the road but it would be down the road if at all. Getting into Flare would kick serious goat ass, but permit me to whine a bit. I wanna work at Bridal Magazine! Anyhow, this is a completely different topic. I�m a bit of a dreamer. I don�t always feel like I have a strong grip on reality. I mean, I have a good sense of self, but it�s the �out there� I don�t have a good sense of. I kind of have this Anne of Green Gables complex. I�m often imagining doing or being something more interesting. I get carried away. It�s not horribly uncommon for people to snap their fingers or wave their hand in front of my face. All through elementary school I�d do this. I had my ears examined thoroughly to make sure I wasn�t partially deaf, I was so unresponsive sometimes. Weird, eh? I�d be talking with my friends, one of them would be saying something and it would trigger my imagination and that�d be that. I�d be out for about five minutes and when I came to, I�d be lost. They got used to it, but it still always drove them a little nuts when I�d ask what was going on. Teachers would call on me in class and I�d have no idea what was happening. The class was also used to me and they�d laugh a little knowingly. People who barely know me have called me a �space cadet� and �fucking retarded.� Brent�s brother in law saw me in one of my dazes a year ago and said he�d like to get inside of my head. It doesn�t happen as much, but it still occurs every now and then. It happened at Bridal Magazine too. It can be a bit embarrassing. I wonder how people saw me. I mean, did everyone think I was an idiot or �space cadet� or did they see me like Brent�s brother in law? I�m curious. I�ve never spaced out with a blank mind; I�ve always had something going on up there. I�m not stupid, or even spacey per say. I�m� private. I keep my thoughts to myself. When I�m not mentally blocking out the world, I�m very out-going but I�m a closet introvert. Sometimes I think that�s why I have trouble making friends. I don�t share myself easily. Not my real self. I�ve mentioned before I have different sides to me and they�re all authentic, but the deep down real, real me� it�s inside. I don�t think it�s ever come out. I doubt it will. Me is for me. All my little dreams, fantasies, thoughts and muses are mine. Brent would always ask, �What are you thinking about.� If I was exploring one of my weird little worlds or fantasies I�d usually just say, �That movie we just saw.� Or �Smokey.� I think he knew I wasn�t really telling him anything but I don�t blame him for trying. At least he never thought I was �fucking retarded.� Thank You - 2006, June 7
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