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| Out the Wahoo 2004, December 26 - 9:30 p.m.
Ok, the Emergency Room visit. Note, this story includes hyperventalation, mad gas and mention of poo. So, my dad called me after work, wanting to know if I had called him. Nope, I had a stomach ache� the same sort of stomach ache that had been killing me softly for two weeks, only amplified and not killing me so softly anymore. By the time Dad got to me I was pretty vocal about it and I could hear war raging in my intestines. He and Debbie both got on the phone and urged me to call the hosptial. They heard all my symptoms, even the bloody poo stuff (and believe you me, I can barely stand to talk about that stuff; I was in mucho pain.) Ok back. Yeah, still have the gas and all the other nasty symptoms. Anyhow, I called TeleHealth Ontario and a nurse called me back a bit before 1 a.m. She told me that I had to be checked out in 24 hours. She quickly changed it to "go tonight." after I told her my family doctor would never see me on such short notice. And that's true, he wouldn't. So I took a cab to the nearest hospital and for some reason the Emergency room was empty. Seriously empty. Not a patient waiting in sight. I was seen in record time. This of course didn't prevent me from being there for five hours. First they took a urine sample. I was asked all kinds of questions and they didn't seem to believe me when I said A. I'm definitely not pregnant and B. I don't have hemeroids. I made the mistake of telling them that I didn't entirely know what hemeroids were. They then jumped at the chance to rulke out hemeroids and gave me an...ugh...anal examination. I seriously begged them not to in the most ambivilant way possible. "If you have to...but of course if there's a way around it, that's be great. I'd rather not..." and the like. The physician called in a nurse. They kept telling me to breathe. As I laid down on my side a sudden sense of dread washed over me and and as soon as I felt his fingers on me I seriously started (yes this is the part) panicking and hyperventalating. The nurse ran over to my side and was going, "No! Breathe! Breathe!" I think she held my hand. When he left I started crying. I simply couldn't stop. It was the silent crying where you're not releasing the tears, you just don't have a choice. Buddy with the glove came back in and wanted to know if my reaction was from pain or the experience. Not pain... no hemeroids. I've never had them but I could have told them that. Never ever tell a doctor you don't know what hemeroids are if he or she thinks you have them and you're sure you don't. I was really embarrassed by my reaction, but I honestly couldn't help it. They took blood after that (after my urine test concluded I was fine and not pregnant) and when that came back fine they gave me an X-Ray. I was in there until past 6 a.m. when they told me my X-Rays were fine. I also let loose a nasty burp in the X-ray guy's face. It was the gas and I was mortifed. I also farted for hours while I was waiting and still didn't become desensitized to my own horrid stink. So, after all that, they have no idea why I'm majorly gassy with foul gas, nauseous, in pain and bleeding out the wahoo. I've been referred to a practitioner and that's about that. I called in sick obviously, with only four hours of sleep behind my by the time I needed to go to work. And that was how I ushered in Christmas Eve. Later, the story of the snore that travelled through walls and the broken toe. Happy Boxing Day! Thank You - 2006, June 7
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