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| Leaving 2005, January 7 - 2:18 p.m.
Ok, so Ross and I talked last night about what had been bothering me. See, he's going on another trip in five months and I found out the night before. He said it'd be for three weeks. He made light of it, cracked about me not being able to go because I had a job and well... I was feeling very hurt. He always does that� makes light of more serious situations. Always avoiding conflict. Typical ENFP. Anyhow, I was horrified at the thought of being without him for three weeks, plus he seemed so "meh" about the thought of leaving me for that long. So we talked about it finally. He wrote me an e-mail while I was in bed and while he was in the bathroom, I read it and responded. He read that and finally we got things resolved. More or less anyway. I realized something. I freaked out about the trip because of one thing that has been lingering in my mind for some time now, "You always leave me." By neccessity, he always leaves me because he's always here. I can't go to Ottawa because I have to work five straight days out of the week. He has to come here and then leave here. It's hard always being left. Like, he's visiting my life and then leaves a hole when he goes. And when he moved further away from me, it really felt like he was leaving me in a more official way. And then this trip for three weeks... So yeah. We talked about that. And it lead to discussion of the future. For the first time we talked about being together for years, how we knew we'd be together in terms of years and not months. I said I'd never move to Ottawa. Not in the forseeable future, that stretching a few years from now. It just won't happen, not with my job and what I want for myself and what I need. I talked about my next apartment. It won't be soon either, like I'm not looking for a new place to live now for heck's sake, but I think about it and it would be by myself and in Toronto. Eventually I expect him to move here. I feel better with the leaving thing out in the open. I hadn't really realized how much it had been affecting me until he said he was going to leave for three weeks and I had a big reaction to it. There's no solution though. I've never left him and he has no idea what it feels like to have the person you love always exiting your life. He made the very valid point that anywhere I go, he could just go with me. And I'd want him to go with me but at the same time, I want to go do one thing without him and in that way give myself what I need. I need him to truly understand what it feels like, not to hurt him, but so I'll know that he gets it. I need to know that he gets it. It's been easier when he leaves as I leave for work. We part ways and we both go somewhere and reclimatize to being alone again. It's much easier. I don't know, maybe his always leaving and my always being left behind will get easier with that new kind of pattern. I love him, I love him so much and I hated feeling so pathetically sad about that one issue, especially when everything else is so great. I love resolving things with him though. I always feel closer to him afterwards. Missing him doesn't hurt as much either. Plus he said he wouldn't leave me for three weeks. That makes things better too. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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