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| Happy Birthday 2005, January 29 - 5:13 a.m.
Wow, I was about to start an entry about my job and I looked at the date. January 29th. My mom's birthday. She would be 55 today. If she were alive, she would be celebrating with friends and laughing and fretting about being in her mid fifties. Her and I could go out for a drink. I wonder what I would give her. I haven't thought about that since she died; the sort of presents I would give her. I wonder if she's proud of me. I never really considered that. I have my job now, but it's not really what I thought I would be doing. I graduated from college but I put off getting my degree. I only think about my book making her proud. That's something I think about, how happy she would be if she were still alive and I finished my book and even had it published. I don't know... Sometimes my mother seems like a character in a book I read once. I only have so much information and I'll never get any more, at least not from her. I can only assume how she'd feel about anything. I wonder if you care about birthdays in heaven. I wonder if the day of your death becomes your birthday. I wonder if days have meaning anymore. I wonder if she's even aware what today is and what it means to everyone she left beind. To me it will be a knowledge that I will go through my day with. I don't feel emotional about it right now. She's probably happy where ever she is. It'd be an unforgiving universe if she wasn't. I don't believe in an unforgiving universe. I believe the world is unfair but not what's outside of it. She's probably peaceful. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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