mal�aise (�P�)��Pronunciation Key��(m-lz, -lz) n.

1. A vague feeling of bodily discomfort, as at the beginning of an illness.
2. A general sense of depression or unease

That is what I have been feeling, though I think I've been avoiding talking about it, even here in my diary. It's been hitting me in waves and each time it returns it has become more intense. And I think I've finally been able to pinpoint the root of it.

I knew it had something to do with Ross and his trip. I knew it had something to do with missing him and the envy I had over his being able to go to Paris.

But those were just the most obvious answers. The actual problem is more complex and a considerably longer answer.

Long distance is really hard. As far as long distance relationships go, Ross and I are doing, probably, the best that can be done. He makes the drive every week and I stay available to him for his visits. This has resulted in spending almost enough time together.

It has also resulted in a strong imbalance that has been making me feel really bad. We go the chunk of days seeing each other and then a chunk of days apart. Many times I have needed him here and he was five hours away. During a set portion of the week we are unavailable to each other. He spends that time playing hockey. I spend that time missing him.

I don't have an activity to do in that time, nor is it reasonable that I can find something specifically for those days and those days alone. Many things I a interested in are held throughout the week. I've been putting aside things I've wanted to do in order to be available for my relationship, because when he is here, if I do not make the most of it, I will have to wait until next time.

Ross's trip is the trigger for me coming to some realizations about this. He will leave for two weeks and a large part of my life and routine (Him) will not be there. What will fill the space? Why isn't there something to fill the space? The reason is because I have not created anything for myself. I have not taken steps to build a fuller life for myself, one that will fulfill me in more areas and will not leave me relying on a person to make me happy.

So, I have chosen to begin Kung Fu and in the Spring, I will start on my degree. Both things are going to take time and comittment. Both things are going to detract from my time with Ross.

A long distance relationship is hard work. To make it work, for my part, I've decided against doing other things, in favour of spending Ross's time in Toronto with him. It has helped ease the difficulty of distance but I'm realizing I can't deny my other needs anymore.

And it's not his fault, because he has never asked me to avoid doing things for his sake. I don't blame myself either, because I was doing the best I could. But now that I've identified the source of my malaise, I have to act.

And I am dreading the negative impact it will have on my relationship. Long distance doesn't work. It can work short term, and short term is what it has been so far... but it's about to get harder on both of us because I am drained from not taking care of my needs.

It's not his responsibility to make me happy, I have to do that and that means seeking outside sources, which means less time with Ross. And that makes me feel really bad but I don't know what else to do. The only thing that can make this better is for him to move here. The distance dynamic we have is beginning to fail, that is it's beginning to fail me.

I used to be happy. As I begin to see how empty my life is and how little I have going on I spend more time in the malaise and less time feeling good. It's gotten to the point where I've been having bad dreams, getting headaches, not sleeping, crying suddenly (I've cried at work, on the subway, on the sidewalk), and now recently getting stomach aches, all because I'm not letting myself meet my needs.

Even my time with Ross is being affected. I'm getting irritatable, easily upset, and-- this part really bothers me-- resentful. He's making his contribution to our relationship, he's driving here everyweek. That is a lot of time and a lot of effort. He calls every night (albeit, he calls late, which kind of bothers me. Sometimes I feel like an afterthought when he does that, but that feeling is symptomatic of my unreasonable resentment.)

But the resentment is seeping out. I'm begining to feel sour about him having moved to Ottawa months after meeting and falling in love with me. He had good reasons to move there... but he had good reasons to move here too. I would hope just as good. But this is the plan we're going with and this is what we're doing and I decided to go wtih it, knowing it would be hard.

And here it is, being hard. And so my resentment is unreasonable. I agreed to continue a relationship under these circumstances. It's just at this point, I need strong reassurance that this is temporary and I want to know how temporary it is. I want to know when his plans include moving closer to me. I want to know when I can expect for us to have a normal, local relationship.

And yet it's only been three months of him living in Ottawa and only three months of me working. We started out this new era well enough, but it's eroding because I am starting to buckle.

And a part of me suspects that there is something else going on, something that I haven't touched on yet in this entry. I'm really, really upset. I'm growing increasingly unhappy. Either this force to have more in my life is that strong or I'm being affected by more.

Like my dad, for example.

I had a painful cry last night for my mother. It happens now and then. It's very private for me, because these days when it happens, such an incredible pain comes out. No matter how much acceptance you have over the death of a parent, you can still feel massive amounts of pain over it, when you really allow it to fully sink in.

This new cancerous problem with my dad is bringing it all back. I am so scared. It hurts, oh god, it hurts. It's so scary in this heaving, convulsing way. It's not just cancer, it's Cancer, the thing that killed my mom just five years ago, I know what can happen and I can't pretend it can't.

And between fear and lonliness and this realization of how empty my life is right now, I'm finding it too damn hard to feel good or be happy.

Things have to change. I can't make my dad well, I can't make Ross move closer to me but I can fill my life with more things that mean something, that will hopefully help bring me out of this.

It does feel good to finally have this out in the open...

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