Thus begineth a long two weeks. Ross leaves for Paris today. We had a really nice night and when we woke up this morning it was like everything moved too quickly. I kept thinking, "I won't wake up to him again for another two weeks." "I won't kiss him for another two weeks." "I won't see him for another two weeks."

But I'm strangely at peace with him going, much more so than I was even just a few days ago. I think it's because I know he'll miss me too. It's funny how you can mentally know something but it all means nothing unless you internalize it and really feel it.

I've noticed that my moods have been fluctuating quite severely these past couple of months. It feels a little hormonal, but though I can attribute these really depressing feelings to hormones when I had my period a couple weeks ago, I have nothing to pin it on this time. Just two days ago I was really down, not like down in the dumps but really, really far down.

When I experience days when I have a total inability to be happy... it's weird because I'm perfectly fine now. And most days I am perfectly fine. But then I have several of these seemingly random days where it feels like I'm living in this dark, empty space and I find myself thinking the worst about everyone. I start crying suddenly and for no reason. I get stomach aches and head aches.

It's different than just having a bad day because bad days come from bad things happening or not getting enough sleep. They result in grumpiness and irritability. This is far beyond all that.

I wish I knew what was going on. I'm going to try and record these days better. I tend to just lie in bed or zone out in front of the TV and cry until it passes. These days are neither rational, nor normal and they are not even close to being fun.

I can remember being a teenager and rather enjoying my dark moods and indulging in them, wallowing in them and sinking my teeth in teenage angst. Many, many times back then I probably could have made myself happy or shaken myself out of it had I tried.

But these days it's no where near that. It's out of my control and no matter how many positive thoughts I try to have, if I'm that far gone in to my head and that negative space then it's no use and any bit of positivity or rationale gets lost.

I was in that space when Ross suggested moving in with Ella. I still have the no feeling about it, and it looks like it's no longer an idea in the works (which relieves me) but when I first heard that piece of news it hit me so hard because I had already begun falling in to the hole, so to speak.

I look back to my reaction now and it amazes me. Had I been feeling more emotionally sound I would have disliked the idea, wrote about it and given it more thought. The dwelling, crying, depressing, sinking feeling and sense of betrayal wouldn't have happened.

These feelings have gotten so bad that I have wanted to start cutting again. I haven't because internally I have such a disgust with myself for that bad era in my life, but the desire does come back even though it has been gone for years.

So yeah... I'm going to try and record these days better now. Maybe I'll see a pattern, maybe someone else will see a pattern. I just can't ignore any longer that mentally and emotionally I'm not doing as well as I should.

Between being disappointed in myself for this and confused, I'm a little bit scared.

0 comments so far

<< tradition - modern >>

Thank You - 2006, June 7
The end - 2006, June 4
Canada Loves Me - 2006, May 31
In and Out - 2006, May 28
Where Have I Been? - 2006, May 25