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| Dark Side 1 2005, May 6 - 5:48 p.m.
It's happening. I'm in this hole. I've been fighting if off all day, changing my internal dialogue, but no use... It's just no use. I'm empty and alone and I want to cut it out of me. Does this sound anything like the person who normally writes in this diary? I know this isn't normal. I know this is wrong and it's bad. I know, I know... My stomach hurts and I had to choke down a salad today. I think I'm reacting to things that are going on around here. For starters, I have not heard from Ross. It's almost midnight where he is and he landed around 10:00 a.m. He was going to contact me as soon as he was settled. He knew I was worried that he had no arranged place to stay. Either he's in trouble or he has forgotten about me or just decided not to bother. It's no win. I can't believe how betrayed I feel about that. He's not on a vacation from his relationship, he still has to make an effort everyday to communicate. He should want to, it should be something that despite being in Paris should be the highlight to his day, talking to the woman he loves. I feel worried, anxious, angry and nothing positive. And I was watching Dr. Phil and this girl came on the show with her mother for Mother's Day and her mom had terminal cancer. I'm breaking apart at my seams just writing that down. I hate Mother's Day. I hate it. It makes me feel so alone. I need to be held, I need something. My dad has these precancerous cells and my mom is dead from cancer and fucking Mother's Day is coming and my boyfriend who just left me to go overseas isn't even letting me know he's okay, isn't here to hold me or support me. I can't even call him because I have no number for him. What's happening to me? I have, right now, that same inability to be happy. There are no positive thoughts. I have tai chi tonight and it's all I can do to force myself to go. It can only help, at least I would think so. What I feel like doing is lying in bed. I have to leave soon... I just, I don't know... Thank You - 2006, June 7
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