I'm out of the hole. Tai chi helped a little and coming home to a message from Ross helped a little but in the end, I had to wait it out. I wrote a bizarre poem that turned in to this thing about my dad, though at first it seemed to be about Ross. I wrote down all my internal dialogue and challenged all of it.

Plus I cried a lot and now I'm tired.

I've decided I should talk to someone. I feel so alone and empty so frequently and it's been getting worse. I've been avoiding it in my real life, not really talking about it to anyone. I talked to Caitlin about it yesterday. It was the first time I've said it out loud to someone.

I'm crying for my mom a lot, which may have something to do with Mother's Day. I usually get sad around it but never anything like this. I'm kind of, somehow, back to where I was years ago. I've been doing some thinking about this.

My rationale is severely distorted. I have a said a few things aloud that have been recieved as very strange and unrealistic. I don't want to say what those things are exactly, but they were very negative, somewhat paranoid/anxiety-ridden.

I keep thinking back to living with my dad. He was never home, he was always drinking, he talked about suicide, he said he didn't love me and that was when the self harm was at its worst. I felt angry, mistreated, neglected, unloved and abandoned. I just left that house feeling, in general, not good enough. Just, not good enough. When he couldn't see us, it was like we didn't exist.

And now he's different. He's coherent, he's talkative, he's happy and he's telling me, for the first time since I was a child, that he loves me. And this is when cancer enters the picture. As soon as I start to get a father that I can put some faith in, cancer.

And it's fucking with me. And I'm feeling alone and needy like I did when my mom died. And I'm feeling abandoned by Ross because I need him so bad and he's overseas having fun and I have no idea when communication will happen.

And I'm trying to challange this because he didn't abandon me, he went on a trip. But I feel not good enough for him to stay. And that's wrong thinking. And this is all connected somehow. I need to talk to someone. I probably should have years ago. Too much has happened and it's like my mind is tired trying to figure it out itself.

I do know this Paris trip has triggered a lot of this. But the real issue, I think, is my dad. I'm afraid to trust him again, I'm afraid he'll die, I don't know how to handle the sudden uncomplicated-ness of him now because all I could do before was survive him one day at a time.

I look in to talking to someone tomorrow. I can't put this off any longer.

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