Well, I got back from K-Town and I had a really good visit... I learned a lot about myself and I came to some realizations. Dad's Debby helped me with that. Separation anxiety. I don't know if that's a pysche term or not but I get anxiety from separation. I didn't want to admit this came from missing Ross but it does. I thought it sounded pathetic.

But there is more to this. Debby experiences this same thing too and it was a relief to not feel so alone anymore. I really didn't know if anyone I knew would understand. But she helped me realize something.

There is a big part of my mom's death I have not yet dealt with. I live with knowing that someone I loved more than anyone left and didn't come back. I know that people who say they're coming back don't always do. I never used to be this way.

And she and I talked about anxiety and dealing with it and really explored a lot about how I begin to feel when the anxiety begins. It starts out really vague but unmistakable and negative. The hurt and angry internal dialogue starts and eventually sucks me in.

I used to have these dreams- I don't have them anymore- where my mom was alive and dying but would always choose to hide from me, or leave me or move out or rely on other people and close herself off to me. They were incredibly upsetting dreams. They have stopped just recently, I think half a year ago.

I thought I had finished mourning. I have come to realize something different though and it means a hard road and more work.

I stopped having the dreams because I now had someone in my life who I loved, really loved, and who I felt more at home with than anyone. And my feelings for him have only grown since that time. And now instead of anxiety and dreams about my mom, I am beginning to have anxiety about Ross. I didn't finish mourning at all.

But I feel more self aware and with that comes a piece of mind to manage my anxiety. I just realize that what I need isn't quite the sort of help I thought I needed. What I need is grief councelling.

The rest of the weekend was spent relaxing and talking. It was also good to be away from the internet and my e-mail. I think taking a break from actively missing him was good for me; I couldn't check my e-mail.

And I know this isn't about him. It's me. I need to deal with me. It just all fell together is a heap, with him leaving for so long and being gone for Mother's Day. It couldn't have been a worse time for him to go, anxiety-wise. But in a way, it helped me identify a problem.

I went to my mom's grave on Mother's Day. I hadn't gone in years. I talked to her about how I had been feeling, about her not coming back and how much it was affecting me.

Between my talk with Debby, visiting Mom's grave and the break from the internet, I feel alive again. I'm feeling free. The hole seems so far away.

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