I find I've been feeling a lot better lately. I've talked to my friends and let them know how I was feeling, finally. I had that talk with the grieg councellor and have an appointment soon. And it's helped. When the councellor told me what I was going through was normal and even expected for all I've been through, it was a load of my shoulders.

I thought something was wrong with me. I thought I was losing my mind. I didn't know what had been going on or why everything was making me so miserable. She said I had begun grieving for my mom in my young adult life. I had finished grieving for her in my teenage life and as I mature, I'll mourn her loss as I go through new eras where she will not be there.

And it made sense to me. And my oversensitivity made sense to me. I mean, I had graduated from college and travelled alone and got my first real job and she wasn't there for any of it. And she won't be there for anything in the future and I was thinking about that.

I had been living each day separately, not thinking about my loss in such huge terms. It was too painful. But now I'm thinking about it and dealing with that, finally, because it's time. I know it's time because it's what I'm doing. And it's very hard to do.

It's like a canal that fills to the top and you have to release some of the water to level it all out. That is grief. And now the waters are low. They were overflowing before because I wasn't letting anything out. Every extra splash of anything that would cause me pain or unhappiness was too much to handle. But they are low now and I don't know how long it will take before they fill again. Probably not that long.

But what this means is I am back to having more good days than bad days. Life feels good again. I don't have this burden on me always pressing me down. I no longer have those horrible thoughts pervading my thinking. I can be rational again. I can think calmly again. I can see things and people for who and what they are again. I have my appetite back and my stomach aches are lessened.

I still have anxiety but it's eased off noticeable and it's manageable.

The main thing I think that has helped was to not beat myself up for my feelings and my reactions. I was handling myself the best way I knew how. My reaction to Ross leaving was natural, my anxieties were natural, my oversensitivity was natural. Not healthy, but to be expected; not productive but normal.

And now I'm dealing with it. And I'm probably going to be dealing with it for the rest of my adult life. Knowing that depresses me but also empowers me. I won't be ashamed the next time I feel this way.

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