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| In the Van 2005, June 1 - 1:47 p.m.
Ross came by last night. He was going to make his way back to Ottawa yesterday but it didn't wind up happening until late. He stayed in Toronto unbeknownst to me and called me at 11:00. It was kinda crappy because I had been feeling pretty alone all night. I was having a low day that I had felt coming on in waves. He stopped by around 12:30 and though I should have gone to bed around then I really needed a hug and so I met him in his van in the parking lot behind my apartment. I talked and cried a lot about everything that has been on my mind. It's crazy how sad I was. I mean, what's been getting to me is that I really need to talk to my mom. I'm at that point in my life now where she and I would have started to become friends and we would have been two women. And something I've heard more than once is how I have several really great women in my life who I can talk to. Yes... but they're not my mom. There is no answer or solution and all I can do is grieve the loss when it really hurts and then move on until it really hurts again. It's not about having a woman to talk to because I have that. It's about having a mother to talk to, my mother, the one who raised me from a difficult child to a rebellious teenager who was supposed to see me through all that into young adulthood. This is the payoff I'm missing. I will never talk to my mother again, I will never have her advice, opinion or anything. And I've been needing to talk to her so I grieve. Before it was just me missing her presence in my life. Now I'm missing something I should have. And I'm not spiraling into any kind of depression or anything... it's just what happens. It's this realization that I have now. I've been thinking ahead because a day comes where you have to stop taking it one day at a time. A lot of this is more intense for me because of my dad's uncertain health problems. Just the waiting and the knowledge... But I got it out of my system for now. When I left the van an hour and a half later I felt better. Just being held helped. I have no idea how long I'll continue to feel this way. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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